Initial Assessment is Finally Booked

I just got off the phone to the counselling service and my initial assessment is booked. I don't know how to feel about it... I mean, obviously it's a good thing, it's the start of a new journey but at the same time, it's a journey that I'm not sure I want to take. Maybe the past is a can of worms that I don't want to open? But maybe that's a completely ridiculous statement? I mean, from everything that's going on in my head at the moment, it's fairly evident that the can is already open and the worms are casually squirming around, infecting every area of my life and slowly destroying me in the process. I think that I'm hoping counselling will act as some kind of pesticide and kill all the worms so they can't bother me ever again. I hope that I don't end up setting my expectations too high, I know deep down the worms are always going to be there but maybe counselling could act as some kind of long term sedative?

God, I just read that back and I sound pretty crazy. The can of worms analogy is one that I have heard before but I think I just took it to the extreme and blah, I always take things too far, I always take things too literally. There are no worms and there are is no pesticide and there are no sedatives. There's just me and my experiences and my thoughts and that's okay. I sometimes find it hard to remember that the counsellor that I will see will have heard it all before; I'm not the only person that these things have ever happened to and she will have seen other people who have had very similar experiences and helped them. She will have counselled people that have had it far worse than me and if they can put their experiences behind them and move on with their lives then I can too. I can and I will.

It's kind of ironic that my initial assessment is booked for the 6th February when the 6th February is Time to Change's national Time to Talk Day. It is time to talk, it's time to talk to a professional whilst sober, it doesn't feel like the right time but I know deep down that it is the right time and I am promising myself right here and right now that I won't chicken out and I will go to the assessment and I will talk like an adult to the bloody counsellor. I need to stop making such a big deal out of it. I'm a bloody student mental health nurse and I expect people to open up to me about their shit on a daily basis. I know that none of them find it easy but I have never realised just quite how difficult it is for them. I know I'm going to be a mess but showing emotion is not a bad thing... I'm allowed to be sad but the problem is, I can't remember the last time that I cried in front of anybody else whilst I was sober. I cry all the time when I'm alone but not in front of other people; I think I see emotion as a sign of weakness and that's not okay. I can cry at fucking TV shows and I can cry at Facebook status' in front of other people but as soon as it is anything to do with me and my own problems I just won't do it. 

I don't really know what else to say. I have so many feelings and I don't even know how to articulate them and that's scary because I have always been quite good at writing about my feelings, even if orally I sometimes communicate them like a fucking child. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep forever and never wake up; that's what my inner child is saying but then that's just fucking stupid. I can't run away any more.