Dear friends,

I’ve done it again. I’m so angry and upset with myself that it’s happened. I thought I was doing okay; I thought the past was buried for now but I guess that I was lying to myself and everybody around me. I know that I can’t change what has happened and I know that I need to find a more appropriate way to deal with things and I’m going to. After everything that happened at Halloween I did try and get some help; I contacted a sexual abuse counselling service and made a self-referral but they never got back to me. I now realise that I shouldn’t have just left it; I should have contacted them again and been more persistent and maybe by now things might have been better. I rang them again this morning and they didn’t even have my name on their system. They were very apologetic but it’s frustrating. Hopefully they will get back to me soon and things will start to progress.

I can understand why you don’t want to talk to me or be around me at the moment. I don’t really want to have to spend time with me at the moment either but there’s not really much I can do about that! I know that all you ever try to do is support me and it feels like I all I ever do is throw that back in your faces. I hope you all know that I never mean for things to turn out the way that they do and the only person I ever really want to hurt is myself. I hope that counselling will help me not want to do things to hurt myself anymore. I can only hope that at some point in the future our friendship will get back on the right track. You all mean the world to me and you have helped me more than you will probably ever realise. I’ve been so lucky to be able to call you my friends and I’m so sorry. Sorry is such a stupid word, it feels ridiculous to simply say ‘sorry’ after everything that has happened.

I often feel that it’s not fair that things have happened to me but when I look at you guys none of you have had an easy ride. You’ve all had plenty of shit things happen to you yet you all seem so strong most of the time and you never use the things that have happened to you to excuse behaving like a twat. I need to stop making excuses and get my act together. There is no excuse for my behaviour. There are people who have been through much worse than me that don’t find it necessary to behave in the ways that I do. I’m not a child anymore and I need to feel like the only person who controls what happens to me is me; I just haven’t quite worked it all out yet. You are all inspirational and I need to learn to be more like you. All I ever wanted was to be normal and I can be normal; the only things stopping me is me.

I don’t even know if you will read this. Even if you see it you might not want to listen to my bullshit but I wanted to say it anyway.

I love you all very, very much.