Initial Assessment is Finally Booked

I just got off the phone to the counselling service and my initial assessment is booked. I don't know how to feel about it... I mean, obviously it's a good thing, it's the start of a new journey but at the same time, it's a journey that I'm not sure I want to take. Maybe the past is a can of worms that I don't want to open? But maybe that's a completely ridiculous statement? I mean, from everything that's going on in my head at the moment, it's fairly evident that the can is already open and the worms are casually squirming around, infecting every area of my life and slowly destroying me in the process. I think that I'm hoping counselling will act as some kind of pesticide and kill all the worms so they can't bother me ever again. I hope that I don't end up setting my expectations too high, I know deep down the worms are always going to be there but maybe counselling could act as some kind of long term sedative?

God, I just read that back and I sound pretty crazy. The can of worms analogy is one that I have heard before but I think I just took it to the extreme and blah, I always take things too far, I always take things too literally. There are no worms and there are is no pesticide and there are no sedatives. There's just me and my experiences and my thoughts and that's okay. I sometimes find it hard to remember that the counsellor that I will see will have heard it all before; I'm not the only person that these things have ever happened to and she will have seen other people who have had very similar experiences and helped them. She will have counselled people that have had it far worse than me and if they can put their experiences behind them and move on with their lives then I can too. I can and I will.

It's kind of ironic that my initial assessment is booked for the 6th February when the 6th February is Time to Change's national Time to Talk Day. It is time to talk, it's time to talk to a professional whilst sober, it doesn't feel like the right time but I know deep down that it is the right time and I am promising myself right here and right now that I won't chicken out and I will go to the assessment and I will talk like an adult to the bloody counsellor. I need to stop making such a big deal out of it. I'm a bloody student mental health nurse and I expect people to open up to me about their shit on a daily basis. I know that none of them find it easy but I have never realised just quite how difficult it is for them. I know I'm going to be a mess but showing emotion is not a bad thing... I'm allowed to be sad but the problem is, I can't remember the last time that I cried in front of anybody else whilst I was sober. I cry all the time when I'm alone but not in front of other people; I think I see emotion as a sign of weakness and that's not okay. I can cry at fucking TV shows and I can cry at Facebook status' in front of other people but as soon as it is anything to do with me and my own problems I just won't do it. 

I don't really know what else to say. I have so many feelings and I don't even know how to articulate them and that's scary because I have always been quite good at writing about my feelings, even if orally I sometimes communicate them like a fucking child. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep forever and never wake up; that's what my inner child is saying but then that's just fucking stupid. I can't run away any more.

Finally some progress... Maybe?

So after waiting since November to hear back from the counselling service I finally rang them today to see what was happening. Apparently they didn't have my contact details or my self-referral on their database despite having given them the information over the phone and by email. It's really frustrating but at least they have all the information now.
Anyway, an hour after I phoned them they called back. Unfortunately I missed the call but they left a voice mail with a further apology and have asked me to phone them back to book an appointment for a proper face to face initial assessment. It sounded as though this assessment will take place in the very near future so I have everything crossed for that. The woman on the phone sounded really kind and she said that she hopes that I'm okay; I can't deal with strangers being nice to me, it kind of freaks me out and makes me feel as though they must have a motive.
I am really scared about the prospect of going for counselling at all but I know that it's something that I need to do and that I'm ready for. Just the thought of sitting with a stranger and talking about my deepest thoughts, feelings and experiences is nauseating but I'm sure it will be okay once I know what's happening.
I'm going to ring first thing tomorrow.

Dear friends,

I’ve done it again. I’m so angry and upset with myself that it’s happened. I thought I was doing okay; I thought the past was buried for now but I guess that I was lying to myself and everybody around me. I know that I can’t change what has happened and I know that I need to find a more appropriate way to deal with things and I’m going to. After everything that happened at Halloween I did try and get some help; I contacted a sexual abuse counselling service and made a self-referral but they never got back to me. I now realise that I shouldn’t have just left it; I should have contacted them again and been more persistent and maybe by now things might have been better. I rang them again this morning and they didn’t even have my name on their system. They were very apologetic but it’s frustrating. Hopefully they will get back to me soon and things will start to progress.

I can understand why you don’t want to talk to me or be around me at the moment. I don’t really want to have to spend time with me at the moment either but there’s not really much I can do about that! I know that all you ever try to do is support me and it feels like I all I ever do is throw that back in your faces. I hope you all know that I never mean for things to turn out the way that they do and the only person I ever really want to hurt is myself. I hope that counselling will help me not want to do things to hurt myself anymore. I can only hope that at some point in the future our friendship will get back on the right track. You all mean the world to me and you have helped me more than you will probably ever realise. I’ve been so lucky to be able to call you my friends and I’m so sorry. Sorry is such a stupid word, it feels ridiculous to simply say ‘sorry’ after everything that has happened.

I often feel that it’s not fair that things have happened to me but when I look at you guys none of you have had an easy ride. You’ve all had plenty of shit things happen to you yet you all seem so strong most of the time and you never use the things that have happened to you to excuse behaving like a twat. I need to stop making excuses and get my act together. There is no excuse for my behaviour. There are people who have been through much worse than me that don’t find it necessary to behave in the ways that I do. I’m not a child anymore and I need to feel like the only person who controls what happens to me is me; I just haven’t quite worked it all out yet. You are all inspirational and I need to learn to be more like you. All I ever wanted was to be normal and I can be normal; the only things stopping me is me.

I don’t even know if you will read this. Even if you see it you might not want to listen to my bullshit but I wanted to say it anyway.

I love you all very, very much.