It has now been two weeks and six days since I have had any contact from the service who is supposed to be providing my counselling. When I had my telephone assessment, I was told that the person who would be completing my full face to face assessment would be in contact over the next few days... I feel as though eighteen days is more than a few, and, because of this, I feel slightly rejected. Yes, rejected. I know that probably sounds completely ridiculous but please allow me to explain.
Although the telephone assessment was fairly superficial in nature, I allowed myself to believe that the person on the other end of the line was trustworthy, she seemed sincere in her promotion of the service and she seemed to be full of unconditional positive regard in her approach towards me. Whilst some of the questions that she asked were emotionally challenging, and articulating comprehensible answers was near on impossible, I allowed myself to open up and was honest in my responses in a way in which I never have been when accessing therapeutic services previously.
With the telephone assessment complete I was surprised to admit that I was almost looking forward to working with these people therapeutically to address my history of childhood sexual abuse. The prospect of this kind of challenge had previously filled me with dread but on this occasion I felt prepared and strangely enthusiastic to get started.
However, it would seem that maybe they aren't that eager to help me after all. Every hour of every fucking day I check my mobile to see if I have had a voice mail from them, to see if there is any sign that they have even attempted to make contact with me. They never have. And every time that they haven't I lose a little bit more hope; hope that counselling will benefit me, hope that there is a way forward for me, hope that there is still some good in the world and hope that not everyone I encounter will be full of shit. I no longer feel ready to deal with the past; perhaps I will never feel ready again, perhaps the opportunity has been missed?
I'm not completely irrational. On a more mature and much less egotistical note, I can tell myself that what I am experiencing isn't intentional. They are a busy service with lots of clients and lots of referrals and perhaps it is realistic that I should not be their top priority. A friend suggested that perhaps they have lost my referral and I could understand how this could be a reason for not having heard off them. But that makes me question their competence as a service. If they have lost my referral than that means they have potentially lost confidential, and extremely sensitive, information about me and who's reading it now and where did it end up and why did that happen and DON'T THEY EVEN FUCKING CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL! And there I am, back to square one, feeling rejected.
Sorry about the rant :P I might be brave and give them another call.
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