It's been a while. I didn't think I would return but alas, I am here again. Here and writing this pointless blog about pointless crap that I need to stop giving a shit about. I need to move on with my life but I can't. I'm stuck here in this miserable cycle of self-loathing and self-indulgence and my brain just won't shut up.
A new flat in a new city where you know nobody is pretty lonely at the best of times but when you fear you may be going actually insane it becomes pretty intolerable. So, evidently I have been rather unhinged for quite some time but this feeling a little bit mad, as opposed to just really fucking fill-rooms-of-buckets-of-my-own-tears sad, is a new one and I don't even know what to think. Like, it's always been there I guess, lurking in the shadows waiting for the perfect moment to trip me up but why now? When things were going okay?
I HAVE DONE FUCKING EVERYTHING TO TRY TO PROVE TO MYSELF AND EVERYONE ELSE THAT I AM GOOD ENOUGH BUT IT WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH. I got a fucking first in my degree, I got my dream job and I grew a pair of balls and got a flat on my own in a city where I don't know anyone. I'm meant to be out there making friends and having the time of my life; sipping cocktails in swanky bars with my new posse, impressing colleagues with my knowledge of all things nursing at dinner parties, dating pretty girls and actually thinking about the future and settling down and all of the shit that comes with that. So why am I spending every minute of my free time in bed crying. Most of the time I don't even quite know why I'm crying but it just won't stop. And then there's all the other shit going on in my head that I don't even want to talk about because putting it down in black and white makes it so much more real.
God, I've said it before but, jesus fucking christ almighty, I really don't know if I can carry on with all this bollocks.
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